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I have discovered that my husband has been viewing pornography - which I realize is not unusual, but his is all for local massage places and sex in cars.  We live in a small town.  When I confronted him, he (not knowing how much I knew) admitted to being curious about the type of people that did this for a living and that he had looked at a couple of ads.  That's all.  Should I believe him?  We have 3 school age children and he has a history of lying, though not of cheating that I know of.

How's your sex life? Sorry to be so blunt but if you have a lack of or change in you sex life, that could be a strong indication that he is cheating.

Non existant at the moment as we are having a lot of problems regarding his lies.  He has finally admitted to being a compulsive liar and is going for help - or so he tells me - but so far I have seen no changes.  It's not looking good is it?  He swears undying love BTW and is supposed to be trying really hard.

 

DO NOT....make light of the fact that your husband is into porn, massage parlours, and prostitutes.  It is unusual.!!! Decent, HONEST, men do not do this to their wives and children.  There is also a huge financial cost in using these establishments...could this be effecting your family as well?  Check your phone bills (cell) these guys are into phone sex as well!  If you can get a hold of his credit card statements that will tell you alot. You also could be at risk for sexually transmitted diseases ...HIV....Hep C and the list goes on!!!   Run to your doctor to check this out.  Your husband has a problem it has nothing to DO with you but it is hurting you and the children.  Let me be very firm when I say the risk of him and his porn habit could be a problem at home....(your kids could walk in on him at the computer getting his jollies)!!!  I can tell you that TRUST is a huge issue...ask yourself will you be able to trust him again?  Even if you love him...can you stay and live with this knowledge?  When you confronted him..you put him on the defensive...I am sure you only got a little bit of truth and a whole lot of cover ups.  This is a serious issue...go and get some proffesional help!!!!

P.S  

THIS IS CHEATING!!!!!! 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Is there any way you can get into his email account? This might solve most of your questions.

 

ETA: and to provide proof when you need it.

Wow! Not a pleasant situation all the way around. I would advise you to seek some legal counsel on your own to be able to protect yourself and your kids should this relationship continue to spiral down. But before giving up, why not try couple therapy and a more active approach to helping solve the marital problems for both of you? I know it is a huge debate on whether pornography is cheating or not. You have to decide for yourself what your limits are - are you ok with him looking but not acting? That's a discussion you need to have with him too - what are your boundaries and what you deem acceptable and not acceptable? What are you looking for to improve your relationship with him and can this help or hinder it? Good luck to you.

THIS IS CHEATING!!!  He promised to be true to you for richer/poorer/sickness/health right?

Having...cyber sex, visiting massage parlours,sex in cars (with who?) are all sexual acts...and not with you right?  There is no debate...lets get real here...and the whole counselling idea is great ....but he's the one that needs it....Couples counselling can come later if you decide to stay......Sorry....for the rant but its time to act and time to get real! Your children are depending on you Mom!!!

I really appreciate all your comments - it makes me feel stronger.  He's very good at talking and can be VERY convincing.  Interesting the comments about STD - this is what the latest trauma is over.  Long story, but finally he admitted to MAYBE having genital herpes, claiming that he contracted it long before he met me (apparently 21 years ago), but never told me as he was too embarrassed!!!  I honestly believe that could ever be worse than having an affair if that's true!  To not be able to tell me years ago, his future wife, about something that happened prior to me?  Doesn't make sense at all.  He said he really didn't know it was herpes, just that he has a rash and sores on his penis every now and then!  What guy would think there was nothing wrong with that?  I don't believe him at all but he again is insistent that he has never ever cheated.  He said he went to the doctor once right in the beginning and the doctor didn't think anything of it.  That sounds like a load of @#!% too dosen't it?  I told him to find me the OHIP records and prove that visit, but to date there has been no mention of it again.  I spoke to my own Dr, and then sent him in for tests.  Positive.  I have had no symptoms fortunately, but I could be a carrier.  We have not had sex since and that's where we're at at the moment.  This is how hard he is trying..........

Thanks again for listening.

Oh and one more thing: his cell phone (blackberry) is through work so I see no bills, his e mail is through work and not on our computer (apparently very difficult to access), his pay is deposited into his account and therefore I do not actually see how much he makes, and his bank account, although joint, is only used by him and is not on our 'favourites' like mine is.  Unknown to him though, I went into the bank once and requested statements so I could check and see what was going on.  I discovered that he had taken out a $5000 line of credit with the bills going to the office for cover up.  I tackled him about it once I had the evidence, and he eventually admitted that he had only taken the money so he could buy things for our home and for us - to make him look better.  Likely story.  Since then I actually do know the password to get into his account - he doesn't know that I do - so I keep a check on monies going in and out.  Nothing overly suspicious at this point, and also I can check his credit card at the same time.  He doesn't know that either so I'm keeping quiet and observing.  Now this latest discover and it's just blown my world apart.  I trust him the least out of anyone I know, yet he acts adoringly to me and couldn't treat me better on the surface.  It's all very confusing.

I am so glad to see you have read these posts. I have been thinking about you and hope you gather strength here. You will need it.  Right now he is acting like the adoring, attentive, loving husband because he's been caught. He will do anything to get back into your good graces so that he can continue on his merry way.  Don't underestimate the man...he's been at this for years...if anything getting found out makes them more creative in their cover-ups.  What you need to do is become your own adovocate.  If you work...put money aside (you will need it). Do what it takes to keep the children protected....They are depending on you.  I guess you have to ask your self a couple of questions...can you live with a man you don't trust?  If not its time to move on.  Keep writing in here........and chin up...there is always alight at the end of a dark tunnel!!!

I'm new  in here and believe older at 47yrs. On reading your notes and various replies all I can think is this...How do you really feel and what are you going to do (action) that is LEGAL about those feelings, ( just in case you've thought a "Sopranos' " intervention may be the right thing-ha ha).
Your medical attention was great. Keep doing that and protect yourself first and foremost.  He may have developed a rash years ago and honestly had no clue it was important.If it came up infrequently he may have associated it with heat, allergic type thing etc. Don't automatically give credit for a sharp mind, where a naive, young mind of ignorant bliss once lived.  (Maybe blood tests' for a marriage license should be brought in for Canada as it is in the States.It could save some misery)
Leave, go now, get on with your life lovey. DO NOT waste another minute of your beauty and ability to love, where it is no longer needed.  People do change; some grow-up together and others' will not. It really isn't logical to imagine two people being tied at the hip for eternity, growing together, loving always....that's what Fairy tales are about...fiction. You will be able to pull it together in no time. Think of the adventures ahead of you...your going to be carving new chapters, difficult and easy into your life as long as your alive, so you should decide what is in them; dontcha' think?  

That all being said... 10cents worth from another caring stranger.

Fogqueen 

 

What a difficult time this must be for you.

It is easy for an outsider to say "get rid of him" but after all you have invested in this marriage it sure isn't that easy.

I agree that your husband was only looking out for himself ( massage parlors, car sex just to name a few). Who knows maybe this is a middle age thing? He should have bought himself a boat instead of all this foolishnes but  it is time for you to look out for yourself. Go to the dr.'s, perhaps even try counselling and continue being a good mother to your children. He may thing his actions are wonderful but in the end you will come out ahead.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

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sing like no one's listening
dance like no one's watching